Archive for June, 2015

Open cage

Posted: June 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

It had always been me being caged up by new circumstances, restricting my movements and my wants. Now i realized how foolish i had been, blaming things that i could in order to release some of that negative emotions i always feel. Not that i am not blaming now, i always blame, isn’t it something human beings do on a regular basis?

But now, i realized. Those things that i viewed as quicksand and chains, cages and locks, are merely an illusion. They are not the thing that ties me down. Nope. None of it is.

They may be boulders and weights that weigh me down, making my journey heavier and more difficult. They may be traps and challenges, letting me learn something from the journey I’m taking.

Thinking back, these “illusions” always appear around the same time… because every time i enter into a new situation, i break free for a little while, flying free, exploring, dodging those boulders that come out from nowhere from the sky. But once i reach a certain point, i realized, i never did escape from that cage. That cage that always remain escape-able. That cage that I am locked in with the key, always. The owner of the cage always allows me the chance to grab hold of that key, unlock the door, and fly. Freedom… is it really just so simple?

Every time i fly, i find these thin transparent strings, tied to my ankles, pulling me back, making my moving forward more and more difficult. At the same time, these strings are the ones that transport emotions and support to me. Love, concern, support, encouragement… all that, but there is also, disappointment, worry and guilt. Guilt. Something i fear.

Even before i reach for the key, the owner drowns me with a bucketful of guilt. I feel guilt for falling sick. I feel guilt for enjoying time with friends. I feel guilt for eating foods that you have not tried. I feel guilt for rather watching a movie alone. I feel guilt for rather go shopping alone. I feel guilt for having nothing to take to you about. I feel guilt for going overseas when you cannot. I feel guilt for leaving you behind. I feel guilt for not wanting to listen to all that hate and negative emotions you have towards the owners of your cage. On top of my own negative energy, which i can only keep deep within myself, I’m drowning. Every time i learn to fly, every time i learn to swim, every time i break free, these barriers appear one by one, these emotions get sent in bucketful to the pits of my heart. What can i do?

Its not that i am being ungrateful. But it is just that, sometimes, these strings get too sharp, gets to tight, that they cause me to bleed. It hurts me.

And now, i am afraid, afraid that you may make me feel guilty one day when i love someone more than you. Because i am already feeling guilty for trying to love myself more than you