Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Posted: September 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

this is a fucking mind block!!! WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!

T.T

Posted: September 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

The problem with not having a “simple happiness” that i can turn to. I dunno what i can do at times like this.

I dont even know whats wrong with me now. Is it even restlessness?

Feel like doing something reckless. This is crazy.

Run…

Posted: July 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

I wanna run… run and get out of this place… its getting suffocating… i feel restricted… the thought that freedom is just so near… yet i am unable to reach it…

But sometimes… studying makes me feel more depressed… i dont want to know about inequality… poverty… or being disadvantaged… because studying all that make me feel that way too… poor, disadvantaged.. although i may not be suffering the most… be relatively… its still.. haiz…

I think my tolerance for people who takes things for granted thins out as time passes… there’s no way to build up that shield again… to have a better poker face…

Haiz… major feelings of frustration… I dont like it… ust want to escape alone… run away alone… go somewhere alone… recharge alone… just BE alone!!!!

Open cage

Posted: June 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

It had always been me being caged up by new circumstances, restricting my movements and my wants. Now i realized how foolish i had been, blaming things that i could in order to release some of that negative emotions i always feel. Not that i am not blaming now, i always blame, isn’t it something human beings do on a regular basis?

But now, i realized. Those things that i viewed as quicksand and chains, cages and locks, are merely an illusion. They are not the thing that ties me down. Nope. None of it is.

They may be boulders and weights that weigh me down, making my journey heavier and more difficult. They may be traps and challenges, letting me learn something from the journey I’m taking.

Thinking back, these “illusions” always appear around the same time… because every time i enter into a new situation, i break free for a little while, flying free, exploring, dodging those boulders that come out from nowhere from the sky. But once i reach a certain point, i realized, i never did escape from that cage. That cage that always remain escape-able. That cage that I am locked in with the key, always. The owner of the cage always allows me the chance to grab hold of that key, unlock the door, and fly. Freedom… is it really just so simple?

Every time i fly, i find these thin transparent strings, tied to my ankles, pulling me back, making my moving forward more and more difficult. At the same time, these strings are the ones that transport emotions and support to me. Love, concern, support, encouragement… all that, but there is also, disappointment, worry and guilt. Guilt. Something i fear.

Even before i reach for the key, the owner drowns me with a bucketful of guilt. I feel guilt for falling sick. I feel guilt for enjoying time with friends. I feel guilt for eating foods that you have not tried. I feel guilt for rather watching a movie alone. I feel guilt for rather go shopping alone. I feel guilt for having nothing to take to you about. I feel guilt for going overseas when you cannot. I feel guilt for leaving you behind. I feel guilt for not wanting to listen to all that hate and negative emotions you have towards the owners of your cage. On top of my own negative energy, which i can only keep deep within myself, I’m drowning. Every time i learn to fly, every time i learn to swim, every time i break free, these barriers appear one by one, these emotions get sent in bucketful to the pits of my heart. What can i do?

Its not that i am being ungrateful. But it is just that, sometimes, these strings get too sharp, gets to tight, that they cause me to bleed. It hurts me.

And now, i am afraid, afraid that you may make me feel guilty one day when i love someone more than you. Because i am already feeling guilty for trying to love myself more than you

The stars are singing

Posted: April 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

Its late… i havent been writing here for a long time… I guess my fingers are itching to go and my emotions looking for somewhere to hide.

It doesn’t seem like i need to vent… or theres anything upsetting me… but sometimes.. u just cant help but feel a bit lost.

I think my eyes are getting more sensitive lately… and my chest clutch too easily from emotions i dont know about… it happens doesnt it.. sometimes… in the middle of the night.. where you are just reading.. thinking.. wondering… and when the tears fall, you just dont know why…

Its like, the things you read so happen to tug on the right heart string.

Its like, the story that was written expose your inner emotions so well

Its like, the characters that were given life understood everything about you.

but day after day, i go on neglecting my emotions… hiding my thoughts and thinking my actions through…

I think as i grow older, these things get hidden… way deeper than it used to… at the same time, these thing want to break free so much more than it used to…

But they probably remained locked in… probably… until one day… maybe one day…

Who knows…

想。。。

Posted: January 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

最近不知道是不是看太多爱情片,还是太多时间了。。。 有了莫名想恋爱的感觉。

可是每次心里就想着,一定要减肥才能找到爱情吗?一定要当瘦子,才能有资格谈恋爱吗?

虽然想减肥是不懂多早以前就想做的是。可是每次想到,为什么到了现在还是没有人要, 就默默的讨厌自己的身形。

有时候真的在想,是我有问题还是真的要我等到“对”的那个人。

无奈。。。

我真的是时间太多了。回去上课是好事,到时候就没那么多的时间胡思乱想了。

可是,我,还是得减肥。😔

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Posted: July 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

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